I was born in 1968 and grew up in southern California, a strong-willed child with an “energetic” personality and the oldest child in the family.
The first eight years of my life, my family went to church, where I learned about God and Jesus. As a little girl, I recognized and fell in love with Jesus.
When I was 9 years old, my family changed. We moved to Glendora and left the church, and the friends we knew and loved. My parents stopped attending church and our family was estranged from God, after this we were estranged from each other. I grew up not maintaining strong relationships with my parents, although they were good people. Our family spent most of the time watching television. We loved to watch TV. I still remember many episodes from the shows of the 70-80s. My mom's catchphrase was: TV is the best nanny for a child. Such a "telly" negatively affected my worldview.
I grew up, noticing that I was different from other children. In fact, I had success in my work, I wrote poems and short stories at a young age. But I was upset that nobody needed it and I did not know what to do next. My parents did not study with me after school and I was bored all the time. Starting from the age of six, I composed, staged, produced and “starred” in the plays that were staged at school. My first grade teacher saw creativity in me. She told my mother that she was surprised at my abilities and she wanted to see who I would become when I was under thirty. She believed that I would become a Hollywood actress or movie producer.
I had a serious flaw - I started to masturbate at a very young age. I was also raped by a girl and her teenage brother when I was only nine years old and from that moment until I was eighteen years old I had several sexual contacts with both boys and girls. Now I see that at once it crossed out all my dreams, distorting the beautiful word "love." Sex for me meant “love”, it seemed to me great when “someone wants you,” when they pay attention to you, but at the same time I felt in my soul soiled and dirty. At that time, I still did not understand that I was sexually abused and that this is not normal ..
As a teenager, I was looking for love in boys and alcohol, having begun sex at 16 years old. My teenage years were filled with constant quarrels and screams with my parents. My mother was often angry with me, my father, it seems, even “rolled up” to me. I don’t remember that all those years someone said "I love you." Parents were not bad people, but I felt that they were not interested in me and I became a naughty offended teenager who clashed in order to attract attention. But instead of getting attention, parents preferred to wipe out conflicts. So I was allowed to dress like a Playboy rabbit at 15. I could meet with boys whom they did not know. At 15, I could go to a school ball with an eighteen-year-old guy who got me drunk the first time. So for me an idle life and adventures in night clubs began, at 16 I tried drugs. My parents knew that I had problems with alcohol, but did not know what to do with me. We tried to solve this with our family, but this did not help in the end. And I found myself a new family and "love" in a party that abuses alcohol and sticks out on marijuana. My actions inflicted great pain on my parents, and in the end, they told me to leave home at the age of eighteen.
I graduated from San Francisco Valley without food and money. One “good” person saw me upset and expressed sympathy. He hugged me and reassured me, saying that he would help me. But then he said that he knows a man who wanted to sleep with me and he would pay me for it. I was still depressed and beside myself with rage, because my parents threw me out and I did not care at all, I agreed to his proposal. I sold for $ 35, so the life of a prostitute began for me.
Long before that, I met Madame, who introduced me to the "glamorous" side of prostitution. She taught me the intricacies of pimping and manipulating men. At first, men giving money, jewelry and gifts enthralled me, but then came a slave life. It became strange to sleep with strangers and I began to hate it. Customers could deliberately tear condoms or stalk me. One man tried to kill me and hit me on a truck. Another carried a weapon with him wherever he was and threatened to kill me if I didn’t sleep with him several times. The men asked me and I constantly had to lie to get out of terrifying situations. I became a professional liar and could literally lie about everything. I even lied to get out of the story with drunk driving and a few life-threatening cases. For the sex industry, this is the standard and main tool for the survival of any stripper, prostitute or porn actress.
Life in the sex industry was getting worse and worse for me, I felt that I had no one to turn to. Jesus was still tearing at my heart, but I ignored it. I imagined that God does not care about me and I need to do anything to survive.
The vicious cycle of work as a prostitute and exotic dancer in southern California lasted eight years. As a prostitute, I got pregnant from clients three times, and it devastated me. Every time millions of questions appeared in me. How could I allow this? How do I take care of a baby? Make an abortion? Where do I go? I did not even know the fathers of two pregnancies. Then I remembered Jesus and asked him: "Please help me." God reassured me and I found out that I could never kill a life, I saved a child. Two pregnancies ended in a miscarriage, but the third did not, and I gave birth to a daughter, Tiffany, at twenty. She was born with an Asian appearance, very beautiful. I tried to return only to exotic dances, but prostitution approached me and it was difficult to resist, especially a single mother.
After several years alone, working as a prostitute and dancer, I began to drink terribly, became an alcoholic and a drug addict. Tiffany grew up a sad, neglected girl, and her innocence was often bullied. Getting older, she understood why men “visited” me and was angry with me. I used to hide it in the bathroom while I “entertained” customers. She also saw me in a “special” relationship with women. She did not fully understand all this, but she definitely obeyed life with an obscene wild woman. What a bad mother I was, I gave Tiffany a phone and let her go to the park while I went about my business. And she was only four years old.
I understood that you can’t live like that. I lost all my dignity and hated myself for what a terrible mother I was. I'm so tired of surviving all the time. There was no rest from this life. The men went to my house, left scars on me, called every hour, came drunk in the middle of the night, and even tried to kill. To calm this down, I always had a large bottle of Jack Daniels in my hand. Sometimes I sat in the corner with a bottle and shouted to Jesus drunk: “Please help!”, But it seemed he was not here. Yet I had a strange sense of “protection” around me.
My painful journey continued, they began to involve me in the porn industry. I learned how to make quick money and it seemed safer and more legal than prostitution. Many of the prostitutes I knew were raped and sent to prison; I didn’t want this to happen to me. And by that time I was an avid alcoholic and drug addict, and was completely unable to make rational decisions.
When I starred in the first porn movie, something dark came over me. I almost heard the devil say: "See, Shelley, I will make you famous and BECAUSE everyone will love you." A strange powerful force allowed me to act on an intense level, as if coming from above, after which I felt shame and degradation. I loved attention, but at the same time I hated myself. I liked hearing how gorgeous I was, but I hated brutal sex. I started acting in very hard porn and only drugs and alcohol helped me get through them. It was as if I needed to prove something to the world and to all those who had once hurt me, and when the porn industry peacefully let me in and invited me into my “family”, I finally found a benevolent attitude. But the price that I paid for family membership was the price of my whole life. I sold to the porn industry what was left of my heart, mind, and femininity, and in porn shooting the woman completely died in me.
I also risked contracting the AIDS virus, like other porn stars. I played the crazy and deadly Russian roulette game with my life. Condoms are not required in the porn industry, so the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and HIV remains high among porn actors and actresses. In May 2004, the Adult Medical Industry Organization, which monthly offers porn actors a voluntary HIV test, announced that five actors tested positive for the AIDS virus. I was happier than those actors. God saved me from becoming infected with HIV. Nevertheless, I caught a cold sore, an incurable sexually transmitted disease. I wanted to commit suicide. When I caught a cold sore, there was no help for me and no one would help with the disease. But then AIM came on the scene, demanding to reduce the spread of HIV in the industry, and increasing understanding among actors. But the truth remains true, porn actors continue to risk their lives and spread the disease. In an interview on COURT TV, AIM founder Sharon Mitchell, also a former porn actress, admitted that among porn actors today 7% have HIV, 12-28% have sexually transmitted diseases. Herpes is about 66%. People treat cold sores with acyclovir and are very effective in preventing its outbreaks. Chlamydia and gonorrhea, as well as hepatitis, seem to stick to everything from dildos to flat surfaces to hands, and excuse me for the expression, usually all our asses are in chlamydia. There is nothing more devastating than getting a positive test for an incurable sexually transmitted disease. I wanted to end my life.. Я хотела покончить со своей жизнью.
I swallowed the prescribed pills and cut my wrists, but no matter what I did, I could not die. The pain was overwhelming, there were terrible changes in mood. For a minute I could walk like a zombie, the next - with fits of rage, scream and break things. I was angry with God, I hated myself and my parents. Only alcohol and drugs could soothe my pain. I appealed to Jesus for help and managed to free myself, but within a week I was returning to a vicious circle. I lost hope and hated my life. I did not care and life was meaningless. Having caught herpes, I left the porn industry, but returned to prostitution for survival.
In 1994, I met a man named Garrett. He was 22, innocence itself compared to me. I told him that I take money for a date. He pretended that he needed my services for a bachelor party and I gave him my business card. He often called me for a walk with him, I continued to say no. I could not have a normal relationship, because my heart was completely callous and cold to all men. Later, however, according to God's will, I changed my mind and went for a walk with him. We immediately became friends. We spent all time together, my broken heart began to feel again. I remember how I felt physical pain in my heart when Garrett tried to get closer to me.
I tried to keep the relationship at a distance, but it was not easy, Garrett made me feel like a little girl again. He came to me and we spent hours playing chess, checkers, cards. We had fun like two little guys. I haven’t had so much fun since childhood. Garrett and I talked about everything and once we talked about Jesus Christ. It turns out we both grew loving and knowing Jesus. I learned that Garrett grew up in a Christian family and attended a Christian school. For the two people who met at the bar, this was a startling “coincidence." I told him about the trauma I went through and he listened to me. He knew that I was engaged in porn and that I was a prostitute, and he was so worried about me. He said he wanted to save me. I have never met a man like Garrett. He saw something in me like no one before. He was a different harlot, just like Jesus. We knew that God was in our lives and we returned to the Lord and got married on February 14, 1995.
Our new life together began with a complete disaster. Garrett lost his job after the wedding because he was addicted to drugs at work. We embarked on social security and received cash assistance. Everything was getting worse and the temptation to return to old life was huge. But God had a better idea. Garrett joined the army.
After basic training, Garrett returned as a new drug-free man, and he entered Fort Lewis military base in Washington state. I became pregnant and gave birth to a daughter Teresa in 1997. I was able to get away from alcohol during pregnancy, but soon returned to him. Each time holding my baby, I recalled how my parents completely detached from me, and all the women and men used me. The Lord gave me a deep sense of pain so that I could heal me, but I could not restrain that pain. I grabbed for alcohol. The pain was getting worse, and I turned to the Army of Mental Health clinic for advice, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, impulsive impaired control, alcohol dependence, depressive disorder and post-traumatic stress. I was prescribed zoloft, sleeping pills, lithium and recommendations. I was given a look at a video to balance the anger that only made me even more angry! I went through an over-maintenance program in the Army, but I still drank. I was diagnosed with early cervical cancer and told that I need surgery. The consequences of the sex industry were catching up with me. I wanted to quit. Nothing worked !! But God had a better plan.
God allowed us to attend an amazing Christian church called the Champions Center in Tacoma, Washington, where we were taught to live a champion life. The church is known for bringing Champions to life through the wisdom of God's word. I was taught how to lead a life where I can overcome anything, because with God EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. With God, I received a real forgiveness of my sins and got a chance to grow into a new whole person without perfections. What a relief it was! I learned that God certainly loves me, not looking at my past and even having a plan for my future. Did God have a plan for my life? As if someone turned on the light above me.
в Такоме, Вашингтон, где нас учили жить чемпионской жизнью. Церковь известна за свое выращивание Чемпионов в жизнь через мудрость божьего слова. Меня учили как вести жизнь, где я смогу преодолеть все что угодно, потому что с Богом ВСЕ ВОЗМОЖНО. С Богом, я получила настоящее прощение моих грехов и получила шанс вырасти в новую цельную личность без совершенств. Какое это было облегчение! Я узнала, что Бог безусловно любит меня, не смотря на мое прошлое и и даже имея план на мое будущее. У Бога был план на мою жизнь? Словно кто-то включил надо мной свет.
In November 1999, I gave birth to a daughter, Abigail, and although I drank alcohol during pregnancy, God saved her life. When she was born, God FINALLY answered my prayers and pulled out of me alcohol addiction. I started the “moderation path” on April 9, 2000, it was a special time for me. I started fasting to learn more about the Lord and learn everything to be a “normal” woman. I began to read books on how to be a wonderful mom and wife, how to cook and take care of the house. I watched other women learn to wash, dress, how they talked with their husbands and children. I have been an endless spy for many years. I could stand in the meat department of the grocery and listen to the woman next to me as she describes cooking fried meat in a pot, then I ran home and tried it! I hung out on the groceries and just listened! Literally, I had over a hundred mentors who did not even know how they instructed me. I had to scrape and rebuild my life and learn to be a normal person who lives in a normal society.
I also practiced God's principles in everything that I did and began to experience real joy in the first 10 years !! God helped me learn web design so that I could do business and use my creativity. I created and managed my web design business for 4 years. I started going to college and almost finished my bachelor's degree in Theology and Mentoring. Because I chose to sincerely follow Him, he blessed everything that I touched exactly as it was said in His word:
If you know it, you are blessed when you do it.
I came to the Christian Church of the Champions Center broken and broken, eight years later I left the "center" a cured woman, inspired and rejoicing in life! The Lord restored me after drug use, alcohol addiction, painful memories, mental illness, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, and guilt, shame for my past. The Lord took me out of the old life, gave me a new one, and although I did not fully understand at first, I put my hands in Him and got a chance from him. It was the best choice I've ever made!
The Lord also restored my femininity and cured my sexuality, which was a major miracle for me. Engaged in prostitution and porn, I lost the ability to live sexually. The fact that I can now enjoy healthy sexual relationships is an absolute miracle. The Lord cured me of an incurable herpes disease. I was part of a special study program for pregnant women with herpes at the Madigan Army Medical Center in 1996 and when I was tested, they said that I could not go through the study because there was no cold sore in my blood. Although I became infected with genital herpes in the porn industry in 1994, the test again showed a negative result! I also became cancer free, as doctors were able to remove cervical cells. There he is, the Lord God who heals us!
God also remarkably cured our marriage. Garrett and I have a wonderful and loving relationship and we are the best friends! The Lord has given many other miracles to our family. Garrett got a great job, I could stay home and become a mother, and go up a notch higher than that of porn stars and porn addicts. Our three beautiful daughters grew up as Champions. My oldest daughter, Tiffany, who is 20, has forgiven me and allowed me to be her mother. She has overcome many things in her life and is now sharing her story with others to inspire and encourage them.
I am SO thankful to God that I did not have an abortion, because Tiffany is a beautiful gorgeous woman with many qualities. The Lord restored my relationship with my parents and brother. God is good!
As you can see, the Lord has miraculously lived in my life for thirteen years. I had to go eight years to recover. I had to make a choice to start a new life and believe what God said about me, not the devil’s lie or the lie that I believed in myself. God became my real Father and He taught me how to love, forgive, watch how He updates me, and not in my past. I learned how to live a successful life, applying God's principles in everything. Whatever the Lord said, it was clear to me. I became a new strong man through the power of Jesus Christ, the Champion for life!
The Lord is now prompting me to talk about what I have passed, about the world, reality, his grand love. After all, he created each of us in his own image and likeness, and we are all without exception loved, despite the fact that we did. How he sent his son Jesus to free us from drugs, alcoholism, sexual addiction, from deviations and lies of Satan. I like to show the world in which - YES - the Lord took a porn star and a prostitute and made her a Champion.
The Lord is the best father and he wants all his children to find their way to his house, so that he heals them, educates them to be the same Champions. But this is a choice that only YOU can make.
I also want everyone to know that whatever he does with me, he will do it for you. He does this because he LOVES you and he sent the son of Jesus to give you a new life. All you have to do is come to Jesus and learn from him.
Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Dress your collar and learn from me, I am humble and humble in heart, and you will find peace for your souls. My collar is simple, and my burden is light. ”
Do you want peace for your soul? I know what I wanted. I was sick and tired from the constant blows of life. I am tired of living every day trying to survive. I just wanted peace, I wanted to find true love, but this world could not give me this. I sought love in men, in porn, in fame and fortune, in drugs and alcohol, and I nonetheless remained devastated.
All I wanted was a normal life. Then I learned the truth:
Jesus came to give you life and give it in abundance (John 10:10)
I am sure that FINALLY found the life that I always wanted.
Why don't you trust the Lord and HIS SON Jesus and really live a busy life? It cannot happen in the blink of an eye, but I promise you it will happen. I know this because it happened to me. I am living proof that the Lord exists, that HE loves YOU, no matter what you created. He has a great plan for your life.
If the Lord can heal a porn star, He can heal anyone.